Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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