I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
