He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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