I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Pants are for mortals
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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