I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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