everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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