look no pants
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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