You don't have asthma, your pregnant
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
