Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
