Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
