I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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