I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
