Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
