Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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