Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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