fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
