Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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