I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
