Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
