your thong is hanging out like whoa
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
