No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
