Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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