My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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