I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
