if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
