You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
