Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
