Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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