just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
