Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
