I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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