I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
