I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
