Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
