I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
