chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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