I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
