turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
