I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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