i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
