please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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