Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
