wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
