Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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