Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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