im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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