For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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