Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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