margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
