i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
