I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
