drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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